In my days as a high school teacher, I began to appreciate the injustices some loving parents, who by all means wanted to give their children a bright future, meted on these very children.

Society today has by default set certain thresholds that determine one’s success. Every loving parent wants their children to succeed and they therefore go out of their way to ensure that this success is achieved. What is questionable is what constitutes this success and the motivation behind it.

In the competitive world we are in today, with all the social-economic demands, children are introduced to competition even before they are guided into realizing who they are. Before they are hardly out of their diapers, they are introduced to the school system, which in today’s society is filled with cut-throat competition. School becomes the place where you must win, and these children are subjected to immense pressure from parents and teachers right from that tender age. They are made to believe that you are only meaningful in life if you attain the highest grades, after which they are pressured to attain the highest level of education and secure a highly paying job.

Often, all this pressure is exerted on the children without the slightest consideration of what their capabilities are; their gifts and talents and what would really constitute an optimum life for them. The parents already have it all figured out and it’s up to the child to follow and fulfil the dream that the parent already has in place.

I still remember the painful struggles I witnessed as some of the teenagers in the school where I taught were forced to abandon talents and passions they evidently had so that they could pursue the dreams their loving parents had laid down for them. Parents imposed on their children, subjects they considered worthwhile  irrespective of the child’s ability and gifting. The parents had in mind subjects that would lead to “successful careers.” They did not know that in their “love”, they were participating in killing their children’s dreams.

By all means love your children but DO NOT trap them in your dreams. Create a platform from where they can create their own dreams.

Errors of Omission and Commission

While some parents go out of their way to outline their dreams for their children and impose them, others unconsciously misdirect their children’s lives by failing to actively guide them into creating their own dreams and finding a sense of purpose. The two categories constitute parents who love their children but may not be aware of the damage they are causing their lives.

Errors of Omission:

Parents need to understand that their children’s perceptions are guided by what they learn as they grow. Even if you don’t openly state what you want them to be, you still silently dictate to them what you expect them to become as they consistently observe you in their growing up.

Your child idolizes you and consistently deals with internal pressure to please mum and/or dad. They are always trying to win your approval and if you do not come out and guide their way and encourage them to have their own dreams, they will be trapped in this consistent search for approval even though you never openly demanded what you expected of them.

I met with a friend recently after she had spent a week on an overseas trip with her mother. She said to me, “That week was hard. I worked so hard, I tried so much to win my mum’s approval.” That struck a chord in me. My friend is a university graduate, an entrepreneur, a wife and a loving mother, but this ghost of trying to win her parent’s approval still follows her. I totally understood her; I saw my former self in her.

My dear dad, who remains my greatest hero to this day, sacrificed a lot to ensure he gave us a good and sound upbringing. He saw us all (six of us) through high school and college with his meagre junior civil servant income. He never held back his love for us and most importantly he introduced us to God and led us to know Him. I never one day longed for parental love because it was showered on me immensely.

My dad instilled in me great moral values that positively shaped my character; something I’ll forever be grateful to him for. However, unknowingly and silently, my loving dad allowed me to slip into such a crisis that later almost crashed my life in my adulthood. I completely adored my father (I still do), which is a good thing, but since I saw him as the ultimate hero in my life, I pegged my whole life on him.

I did every good thing I did to make my dad proud. I was a good trouble-free girl even as a teenager because I wanted to make my daddy proud. I saw how much he loved us and the sacrifices he made to raise us that I never ever wanted to hurt him. I worked very hard in school not because I knew what I wanted to achieve in future but because I wanted my dad to be proud of me. All this time my father never made any open demands but I felt indebted to please him. In the process, I missed out on developing a personal identity as a young person.

I saw my dad as the perfect image of a father and family leader (I still regard him very highly). You will therefore probably not be surprised when I say, I had expected my husband to turn out just like my dad – an expectation that obviously caused real strain in my marriage.

I failed to see beyond my family and therefore did not appreciate the diversity of people out there; the different circumstances they were growing up in and their diverse needs and expectations. My family had been very protective.

It has taken me a tough and bruising process in my adulthood that caused me to hit rock bottom, to be able to seek myself out; discover my identity, gain a sense of personal purpose and chat my own path. That too has given me a broader view of life and helped me empathise with others.

Errors of commission:

Another friend recently quit her job. When we were discussing this move with her, she told me she quit her job to try and find herself and start over. I was surprised because she seemed like one who had it all together. She holds a bachelor’s degree, a post graduate diploma, a master’s degree and she had a good job in a corporate organization. She is a wife, a mother and a staunch Christian. I guess you see why it would be hard for one to understand why she would want to start over.

She disclosed to me that her father had always been high-handed; he dictated the school she had to go to, even forced her to change the course she had chosen to study at the university or else he would not pay college fees. Finally, after all these years of living to meet her father’s demands and expectations, she wants to start over. She said to me, “I feel like I don’t even know who I am. I want to step back, find myself and know what I want to do with my life.”

I hope as a parent, as you read this, you will make a choice to love your children more constructively. Whether you make demands or you remain silent, you still dictate the path their lives take. Make a conscious choice to guide them to discover their full potential; to find their greatness and to live a fulfilling life.

To get in touch with the writer, send email to evah@evahnjauini.com